Xavier D.Veland

Troubles are what I brought to myself

This afternoon I escaped from my daily routine,I was originally supported to keep working at my workplace to 10 pm

The reason why I did so seemed quiet simple--I enjoyed the peaceful but little busy afternoons' streets more than the quite nights , I enjoyed the freedom exists on my way home , and I enjoyed to be involved in the crowds as a mediocre and ordinary person...

To deal with it,or in other words ,to escape from the unknowing feeling, I tried to sit down to find out what it was -- the feeling ,which was like a plague that I could feel its existence and its twisting my heart but even not I could find out a perfect word to speak it out.

After a long time,I gradually turned to the point of it -- the source,demanding,for some mental,physical and material needs,but particularly and unwisely. In the spare time I always went to many different places ,partly for visiting ,but more I just regarded it as the progress of relaxing and compromising to the feeling of nothing.

Gradually, here was a truth that I realised that the outer world had not done any time on me ,but it was I tired to change it to fix my needs. But anyway I just existed as an irrequired component of the whole world ,we just could partly decide our rôle in it ,that was the truth,so brightly ,damnably bright.

And thus I was struggling for some little changes, I eagered for some to deal with the long-timely dull life gave me the annoyance. And here was a choice to make such a change in August ,I was about to start my university career ,and so in a conclusion now I were working for I could let it happen in an orderly way. But the feeling of "nothing" was distracting me and pulling me to the pessimistic way. And so what I suffer from was that I wanted but I didn't have the strength to did so. If I were fearing about something, I didn't know but I knew one thing that was I was eager for too much, and eventually I myself didn't know what I originally wished for.

Maybe now I know what is the real side of wishing,if your wishing is focused and it is a target to achieve, but when it turns to me ,I guess I have too many wishings.